Heart's Desire
by marashapeshifter
Summary: What did Shizuru REALLY do that night?
1. Chapter 1

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

I've had a happy life, happier than most, happier than I deserve. I have my wife and my daughters by my side. A beautiful home, a nice job, a vacation every now and then. It's like a dream, a wonderful happy dream.

I know when I get up in the morning, we'll all have breakfast together and Natsuki will keep bumping into things until she's fully awake. I know when we go to the grocery I'll be the one buying the healthy food while Natsuki will be doing her best to sneak another bottle of mayo into the cart.

I know when we go to the park, the kids will be all over my Natsuki knowing she'll get them ice cream or whatever their little hearts desire. You look so cute Natsuki, my Natsuki. You're such a pushover my love, when it comes to our daughters.

It's like a happy dream, one that I dread waking up from. This dream will end and everything will go to hell once the truth has been revealed. You see, I have a secret. The secret on which my happy life has been built. Or at least I think so. I don't know anymore.

It has been years already, many years since then. I've put that secret out of my mind and I would have taken it to my grave if not for what happened one night. Because one night, all my doubts and all my fears resurfaced. My secret shame returned to haunt me.

It started with a kiss, that led to another, then another. Touches explored familiar territory.

I ran my palm along her side. Her body was so warm. So soft to my touch. Her face was buried in my neck, licking, biting. I relished the feel of skin against skin, the feel of merging into one body.

She was kneeling above me, her breasts pressed against my bare stomach, her hair a curtain cascading down to cover us. Her mouth was right next to my ear, her breath tickling me.

Then she asked me a question. A question that had been burned into my mind _that _night, so many years ago. It made my blood run hot, then cold to hear those words from her mouth again.

"Shizuru, what do you want?"

Was it just a coincidence that she used those very same words?

No. It couldn't be. Her tone was exactly the same. The way she drew out my name, pronouncing every syllable carefully, lovingly. The way her voice trembled as if pleading for an answer. How breathless she sounded, as if possessed by a desire barely kept in check.

Yes. I knew those words, I knew that question.

_Shizuru, what do you want?_

The words echoed in my head. I moved to get up but without waiting for my answer, Natsuki turned her attention elsewhere, her fingers found their mark, and all coherent thought was lost to me.

-o-

I didn't forget what happened of course. How could I forget, when the past may have come back to haunt me? The following morning I placed a call to Fumi-san. Within a few days, I was on a plane to Fuuka.

Fumi-san looked pretty much the same. She was older now, a bit of gray was beginning to show in her hair. I was relieved she'd agreed to see me on such short notice. It was just as well. I don't know what I would have done if she'd refused.

We drank tea while we talked. Her teacups were of fine porcelain and the tea she served was of the highest quality. She and the former Director were as much connoisseurs as I.

She was silent while I explained. Then, she reassured me politely until I thought I would scream.

I interrupted her. "Are you certain? If it still affects Natsuki in any way..." I allowed my voice to trail off threateningly.

"I am as sure as I can be, Fujino-san." Fumi-san replied calmly. She wore the same smiling mask I myself had perfected. Worry and fear however, forced me to push that mask aside.

"But you _will _look into it?" I pressed.

"I will do my best." That was Fumi-san, ever polite, ever proper.

I nodded and put my teacup gently down on its saucer. From the handbag in my lap, I produced a gun. I aimed it straight at Fumi-san's forehead.

"Let me ask you again." I knew my voice was cold. Did it frighten her? I hope it did. I needed her to answer me honestly. For Natsuki's sake. For my sake.

"Could it _possibly _still affect Natsuki until now? In any way at all?" I needed to know... Because if it did... Well, I prayed it didn't. Because if it did... I would be better off dead.

Fumi-san's eyes widened, almost imperceptibly. "No it cannot. I am certain Fujino-san. I swear it. But if you truly fear so, perhaps you should talk to Kuga-san herself."

I studied her face, my arm steady, my aim never wavering. She met my eyes, she looked very serious.

Would she lie to me? Yes, she would. But to what purpose? The First District was destroyed, I'd made sure of that. Their blood stained my hands even until now. What then would she gain from lying to me? Please, please, let her be telling the truth.

I sighed heavily. I put the gun down and back into my bag. I got up and turned to leave.

"Thank you for the tea, Fumi-san."

"Fujino-san. If it's any comfort , I did not approve of the game they played with you."

I nodded. I remembered.

"And..." she hesitated a moment. "I really think it would be best if you told Kuga-san."

I looked at her blankly. Tell... Natsuki?

That... could work. I would certainly learn if _that _night still left its mark on her. But if she found out... Would she hate me? I couldn't bear it if she did.

I left Fumi-san and Fuuka behind. That place, that school where everything began. I returned home, considering all the while whether I should take Fumi-san's advice.

-o-

Natsuki was the one who opened the door when I got home. She pulled me inside and gave me a hug.

"Welcome home!"

I held her tight and buried my face in her hair. "Natsuki..." I breathed in her scent, her familiar scent.

"Hey..." She laughed at my friskiness and tweaked my nose. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that here at least, within the safety of our house, Natsuki allows that gentle side of hers to come out, the side I'd always known was there underneath her tough girl attitude.

"Mommy! Mommy! Look what we did!" Our two daughters ran up to us and I picked each of them up and gave them a kiss. They showed me what they'd painted. I barely suppressed a smile. I could tell they'd been painting, they had paint smudges all over the arms and faces.

I sat on the sofa while Natsuki prepared dinner in the kitchen. It should have been my turn today but Natsuki took over since I'd just gotten home from Fuuka. The girls proudly laid out their masterpieces on the table and I exclaimed over them properly.

"And what's this one?" I asked the younger of the two.

She grinned, pointing with her still chubby fingers. "That's you, that's me, that's onee-chan, and that's Mama! That's our house and that's Duran playing in the yard!"

I pulled her into my lap and held the paper up to the light. "It's beautiful!" Stick figures perhaps, but it was beautiful nonetheless. "Be sure to thank Uncle Takumi and Aunt Akira for the art set okay?" The two girls dutifully promised they would.

"Girls, put those away. Dinner's almost ready." Natsuki called out from the kitchen.

I walked to the kitchen, sniffed and tried to guess what we'd be having.

"What's for dinner?" Natsuki was at the stove and I stepped behind her and slid my arms around her waist.

Natsuki turned to me and deadpanned. "Mayo sandwiches."

I groaned.

"Just kidding." She reassured me. I laughed ruefully.

-o-

For the rest of that day, I tried to act normal but Natsuki must have sensed my unease. Before going to sleep that night she looked at me worriedly. "Hey Shizuru, is something wrong?"

Surprised, I looked at her. "Nothing's wrong..."

She didn't look like she believed me.

"Ara, Natsuki shouldn't worry. I'm fine..."

"I love you, you know..." She leaned forward and kissed me.

I nodded, choking back tears and summoning the pleasantly smiling face that had fortified me for so long. "I love you too Natsuki. Good night."

I waited until she was asleep. I waited, then I allowed myself the luxury of tears. I sobbed quietly, so as not to disturb her. I curled up and hugged myself trying to pry myself free from the cold fist curled around my heart.

No, Natsuki, I don't know. I don't know if you love me because it could all just be a lie.

It could all just be a lie. A great big lie. A lie I created, a lie I forced you into, a lie I've kept silent about until now.

I'm so sorry...

I'm sorry Natsuki. You deserve to know the truth. Maybe I should take Fumi-san's advice, maybe I should tell you. But what would happen then?

I sigh and caress her cheek, my hand running down over her neck, her breasts, her smooth stomach. She's sound asleep.

Even if I told her, I wouldn't know where to begin.

_Natsuki, are you feeling brainwashed in any way?_

I laughed. It sounded silly, even to me. Besides, if she was, how would she know? But Fumi-san was right, it would make me feel better to tell her, or at least to tell someone.

But what will happen when I tell her? Everything would go to hell. But she deserves to know the truth. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I sigh and bury my face in my hands.

What do _you _think? Should I tell her?

I'm afraid to tell her. She might just hate me...

But I forget myself, you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Very well then, I'll begin at the beginning. The end...

I look at Natsuki and run my fingers through her hair. The end... The end will take care of itself.


	2. Chapter 2

Just to clear up any confusion. The rest of this story is like one very extended flashback (with Shizuru from the first chapter narrating) that explains the events leading up to the first chapter.

This chapter takes place shortly before the first episode.

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

To protect Natsuki. That was the beginning and end of my goals back then.

To love Natsuki. That was the entire meaning of my existence back then.

To keep it a secret from Natsuki. That was the imperative that drove me to extremes. Whether the "it" was my silent protection or my unreturned love, it didn't matter. They were one and the same, they sprang from each other and fueled each other's flames.

I liked Natsuki.

No, that's wrong. My feelings were already too far gone by then to be confined to a mere "daisuki".

I _loved_ Natsuki. And because of that I wanted to protect her, I wanted to keep her safe from all the danger she recklessly threw herself into.

My continuous vigil exposed to me the Natsuki underneath the aloof exterior. The beautiful, kind, strong girl shone past her fiercely independent attitude. Because I got to knew her better, I fell in love with her even more.

It was a cycle. A cycle that could have ended happily but for one thing.

Natsuki didn't love me back.

She didn't feel the same way. I was just a friend to her, a sempai who teased her, a person she could ask for information. She was too focused on her own tasks.

Natsuki hated letting people into her life. She doesn't like people getting close to her. She was also body shy, the most body shy person I'd ever met.

If she found out I liked her in _that_ way... It would ruin our friendship, to say the least. She would be frightened away, things between us would become awkward and... I would lose her.

I wouldn't be able to bear losing her. I wouldn't be able to bear losing what I've worked for all those years.

My persistence has allowed me to get nearer to her. Certainly not as close as I would have liked but close enough that I have the honor of being one of the few she calls "friend".

I accepted it, that I would be nothing more than her friend. I accepted the knowledge that I would forever lurk in the shadows, my naginata ever sharp and ready to rain retribution down upon anyone who dared hurt her.

It's because of me that no one ever bothers Natsuki when she traverses the seedy underbelly of Fuuka city. I know for a fact that there's a high body count among the criminals who've tried to rob Natsuki or worse.

It pleased me that Natsuki believed her formidable reputation was of her own doing. It pleased me because it meant I was fulfilling my purpose of being invisible. Natsuki's invisible protector, admirer and would-be-lover.

-o-

The beginnings of _that _night I can trace back to one rainy night when Natsuki's bike broke down. At least, that's what I thought happened at first

At the time, no one had tried to do anything funny to Natsuki lately, but I still followed her. I watched her, as best as I could. I kept track of her movements. At school, in her apartment, on her dangerous nights out in the city.

What? Charge me for being a stalker? Why, I'll plead guilty then, but in my defense I'll place Cupid on the stands.

I did my best to watch over her. But that rainy night, I had a prior engagement so it was late when I was finally able to track Natsuki down. I found her standing to the side of a deserted stretch of road with her bike lying on its side.

I was huddled in a raincoat, sitting on one of Kiyohime's heads when I finally spotted her. I lifted my binoculars and saw her standing over her fallen bike.

"Kiyohime." I murmured and patted my Child's head. She knew what to do, we knew each other so well, my Child and I, that often we did not need words to communicate. I could only dream of having the same relationship with Natsuki.

Kiyohime put me down in a more densely populated area. I called for a taxi and directed him to where Natsuki was.

She was soaked when we got there. Her wet hair hung down and clung to her face. Much to my delight, her clothes clung to her body as well, leaving little room for imagination.

True to her nature, Natsuki looked suspiciously at the taxi that had stopped right before her.

I rolled the window down and poked my head out. "Ara, what is Natsuki doing there?"

"Shizuru?!" Natsuki looked at me disbelievingly.

"Natsuki's all wet! Come on, get in." I opened the door and gestured for her to enter.

"But..." She turned a protective gaze on her bike.

I stifled a laugh. That was my Natsuki.

"I'll call a tow truck or something for it. Please... I'll worry if Natsuki gets sick." I wheedled, putting on the cutest pout I could muster.

She gave up and got in. I whispered directions to the driver.

"Here." I handed her a handkerchief to dry herself with.

"Thanks."

For a while the only sounds were the humming of the taxi's engine and the steady pour of the rain.

I watched, discreetly, without appearing to watch, as Natsuki dried her face then did her best to wring the moisture out of her hair.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki asked, breaking the silence.

"Yes?" My face softened as her eyes met mine.

"How did you know I was there?"

I shrugged and smiled mysteriously. "I'll always be there for Natsuki."

She scowled. "Shizuru..."

Amazing how much threat could be conveyed with just one word.

I closed the distance between us by leaning over and giving her a peck on the cheek.

Predictably she blushed bright red.

I laughed teasingly but not unkindly. "Natsuki looks so cute..."

She scowled some more, crossed her arms in front of her chest and kept her eyes firmly fixed outside the window, questions about my arrival forgotten for the moment.

-o-

I got her changed into dry clothes and tucked into bed in record time. She also had several bruises I had to bandage.

"I'm fine, honestly..." She protested vigorously but I had none of it.

"But I worry about Natsuki."

"Shouldn't you go home?"

"I told my parents I was taking care of a sick friend. Now eat."

"I'm not sick. Shizuru worries too much."

"Eat." I insisted, holding to her lips a spoonful of the soup I'd prepared.

She drank it and said grudgingly, "Hey, this is actually good."

"Yup! And it doesn't even have any mayo in it!" I replied cheerfully.

"Hey!" She mimed being hurt.

We shared a laugh. It felt so wonderful to be laughing with her, to be smiling so much. It was like I overflowed with that happy feeling.

I patiently fed her, spoonful by spoonful, refusing to let her do it herself. She finished the bowl of soup and I put it away.

I was already familiar with her apartment, having been invited over a couple of times. It was sadly lacking in most cooking implements but I made do with what she had.

When I returned to her room to check on her, she was already asleep.

"Good night..." I whispered, closing the light, then the door to her bedroom.

I eyed the sofa that would be my bed for what remained of the night. It looked so lonely and uninviting. Love, infatuation, lust... They all blended together for me back then. I sighed, resigning myself to one more night of tantalizing dreams.

But before I slept, I called the company that picked up Natsuki's bike.

I found then that my raven haired beauty had also been keeping secrets from me.

-o-

"Natsuki, why didn't you tell me someone tried to kill you?" I asked angrily the next morning.

She looked stunned and put her cup of coffee down on the table.

"How... How did you know?"

I took a breath and composed myself, willing my polite mask to reassert itself. "Your bike was riddled with bullet holes."

Natsuki looked away guiltily.

"Natsuki, I worry about you."

"Shizuru, please don't ask. Please..." She begged me.

"Does it have something to do with your mother?" I asked quietly.

"I think so..." She whispered.

I was silent for a moment. She had told me about the "accident" she and her mother had been involved in. It was the reason for all her dangerous activities: her need for her revenge. I had a sinking feeling there was more about it that she hadn't told me.

Her voice gained courage at my silence. "Shizuru, I want you to stay out of this. I don't want to put you in danger."

I grabbed her hand and pushed her sleeve up to reveal the bruises she'd received.

"I don't like Natsuki being in danger either." I responded. I let go of her hand.

She looked at me stubbornly and pushed her sleeves back down.

I laughed in exasperation. There was no changing my Natsuki, always jumping headlong into danger.

I stepped forward and hugged her. Briefly, so as not to overstep my bounds. Her soft breasts pressed up against mine, her familiar scent surrounding me.

I stepped back and released her from my embrace.

"I have to go now." I said, picking up my belongings.

"Thank you Shizuru."

"You're welcome." I responded, my throat tight with unshed tears as I left her apartment.

I'd been foolish. I took my eye off Natsuki and now...

She was hurt and someone was after her life. Robbers and pedophiles I could easily dissuade. But whoever was after her wouldn't stop after just one try.

I berated myself and called myself a thousand different kinds of a fool. I cursed bitterly.

If anything happened to Natsuki I would never forgive myself.

I promised to myself I _would _find out who had tried to kill Natsuki. And I swore that I would make them pay.


	3. Chapter 3

This is where the supernatural part comes in. The necklace mentioned below is identical to the one Mikoto has.

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

Someone was after Natsuki and that someone would pay.

That was all I could think about that day, after I left Natsuki's apartment.

I am not a psycho. I am not normally this blood thirsty. I do not have a history of mental instability. I was just...

Just in love... In love, and overprotective, sometimes jealous...

Fine, I suppose that does count for madness.

I'm not trying to excuse myself though. There's no excuse for what I've done.

I was simply trying to explain why I spent my days covertly following Natsuki, why I made use of all my available resources to track down her would be killer, why I spent my nights keeping a lookout from the apartment building opposite hers.

Someone else was watching her, not just me. I kept getting this tingly feeling at the back of my neck but when I'd turn around, no one would be there.

It was frustrating but I couldn't let my guard down.

-o-

I was right. Someone else _was _watching her. I saw a car parked in front of her building that seemed much too familiar. It was back a few days later.

I followed the two men who got down from the car and entered Natsuki's building.

They were up to no good. Apparently they were sent to capture the "Princess".

That was my cue, or Kiyohime's rather.

The earth began to rumble. The ground shook and the two men were tossed off their feet.

It was relatively mild and didn't do much damage but it certainly woke everyone up.

People looked out of their rooms and some even went outside. In the face of so many witnesses, the two men beat a hasty retreat.

I knew I couldn't count on their being scared off so easily next time. Fortunately, their attempt gave me something to begin my investigation with.

Their car was rented as I had expected. The name and phone number they'd provided were also a fake but the idiots had used a credit card. I wound up with an address that was only a couple of hours away from Fuuka.

-o-

I peered through the leaves. It was a large estate, surrounded by high walls. The place reminded me of my grandparent's house. My guess was that it belonged to a rich family with noble blood, a family similar to mine.

I circled the area. I wore jeans and a t-shirt, casual clothes I didn't usually wear.

Don't mind me, just passing through. Nothing to see here, I'm just your average student.

I even smiled politely at the guard just outside the black iron gates. A bronze plate fixed to the wall beside the gate proclaimed the place belonged to the First District.

Ah, so my first guess was wrong. First District sounded more like the name of a company, not a family.

The place covered almost an entire block. The northern and eastern sides of the wall were right against the street. I couldn't sneak in through there, or at least it would be difficult without any cover.

The other two sides of the block were lined with residential houses. It was all families on the western side but on the southern side I found one household composed of just an old man and his wife. Theirs would be easier to sneak into than one with nosy and observant children.

My circuit of the place complete, I walked away to find a café I could while away the time until nightfall.

-o-

Plan A was to intimidate the leader into calling off his goons, the ones after Natsuki. Plan B was to destroy the said leader.

At the time I felt the first plan was preferable.

It was easy to slip into the yard of the house I'd selected. The advantage of choosing an old couple's house to sneak into was that they were probably hard of hearing already.

I stood before the fence that divided their house from my goal. The First District. The ones who'd been after Natsuki.

I called my Element.

My naginata appeared in my hands.

"Kiyohime." I murmured, calling for my Child.

Kiyohime rose from the ground.

She has impeccable positioning. One of her heads rose from directly beneath where I stood. She lifted me up and over the fence, setting me gently down on the ground.

Was it just my imagination or has she grown bigger? Just a trick of the light perhaps.

"Wait here." I whispered to her. She looked vaguely disappointed which amused me to no end.

I would call her if I had to, but first I wanted to find out _why _that First District company or whatever had something against Natsuki. If I knew the _why _perhaps we could reach a compromise of sorts.

If we couldn't reach a compromise... Well, there was always my naginata.

I carried it with me as I slipped through the numerous trees that lined the walls of the compound and headed towards the main building.

My family was old and quite traditional in some respects. I'd learned how to arrange flowers, how to prepare tea, but along with those lessons I also learned the traditional weapon of noblewomen in eras long past.

Maybe that was why my Element took the shape of a naginata, because I was already familiar with the basics of it. To be certain, my skill with it was something I discovered only after I first materialized my Element. Maybe it granted its HiME certain abilities?

Whatever the reason, I was grateful for my newfound abilities. It allowed me to slip quietly to the main house.

I stood behind a tree, quietly observing guards make their rounds. It felt like I waited for hours.

When I was sure that no guard was in hearing distance, I sprinted from the edge of the trees towards the house.

I rattled the door knob.

It was locked.

I stepped back, raised my naginata, braced myself then brought it down quickly against the edge where door met doorframe.

Voila. Instant key.

I caught the door before it fell backwards. I entered, and after a bit of a struggle, I managed to get the sliced up door back into place. Only a close inspection would reveal it had been opened.

I padded through the house's corridor. It seemed eerily empty. The shadows made me nervous, wondering what they hid.

Then I rounded a corner and saw a light shining from a closed room.

I walked up to it, looking around for any other signs of life. There was nothing else.

I hesitated, then I knocked at the door.

What? I was brought up to be polite.

The door opened and I relaxed into a fighting stance, ready for whatever was beyond it.

The man who opened the door simply bowed and beckoned me inside.

"Welcome Fujino-sama. You are expected."

I covered my surprise by nodding regally to acknowledge him as I stepped inside.

The inside was well lighted, unlike the rest of the house. I removed my shoes and wore the slippers offered to me.

It was unusual to say the least, to be welcomed like an honored guest into the house of one I intended to destroy. I reassure myself with the knowledge that Kiyohime was ready to come at my call so I possessed an advantage.

The next room held yet another surprise in a night full of surprises.

A raised platform held three shadowy figures behind a curtain. And kneeling before them were none other than Mashiro-sama, our school's director and Fumi-san.

I delicately raised an eyebrow. "Mashiro-sama, I didn't expect to see you here."

She looked at me impassively.

"Fumi-san." I nodded to her in greeting as I stepped forward towards the platform.

"Fujino-san." Fumi replied, her eyes seemed quite troubled.

I made a small bow towards the three mysterious figures on the platform. I'd been trained in etiquette and courtesy since I was a child. The bow I gave them was what I would have given an opponent and an equal.

I selected a pillow farther away from the platform than Mashiro-sama and Fumi-san. Regardless of how cordial this visit has proved to be so far, I did not want those two at my back.

I knelt on the pillow and put my naginata down on the floor beside me. Blade outward, the handle within easy reach of my right hand.

The curtain was made of filmy gauze. I disliked having my view obscured in that manner.

"May I know whom am I speaking with?" I inquired politely.

A loud cackle. "Well, well, well. _This _girl has manners." The laughter continued, it reminded me of a hyena or a jackal.

"So. Girl. What did you come here for?" She continued.

"I want you to call off your dogs."

A different voice, an old male this time. He seemed amused. "And what do you offer in return?" His patronizing tone annoyed me.

I stood and walked slowly to the platform.

With an almost negligent swing of my naginata, I cut down the curtain that hung in front of them.

The curtain revealed two old women and an old man. Their surprised and frightened reaction was gratifying.

I took my time walking back to my seat. I knelt again and replied. "I won't kill you."

The one with a hyena laugh spoke. "Fair enough."

My eyes narrowed. It was unusual for them to agree so easily.

"May we offer you some tea?"

"No, thank you. I must be going." Prudence was the better part of valor. I knew where their house was, I could always return if they continued harassing Natsuki.

"In a hurry to return to your lover? Ah, to be young again..." It was the third, the old woman who hadn't spoken yet.

I bristled at that. Out loud I said, "She isn't my lover."

"But you'd like her to be."

"That is none of your concern." I allowed an edge of anger to creep into my voice. "Now if you'll excuse me..."

"Don't be so hasty child." The old man said. "Will you at least accept a gift from us?"

Without waiting for my answer one of the old women said, "Mashiro, give her the necklace."

"Obaa-san, do you really think - " Mashiro protested leaning forward intently.

"Shush Princess. Give it to her." The old woman cut her off.

Fumi's eyes narrowed and she half rose from her seat but Mashiro laid a hand on her arm and she subsided.

The director offered a necklace to me. I eyed it suspiciously. It was a simple bead with what looked like a feather suspended from it. I took it gingerly.

"Tell me, what is your heart's desire?" The hyena like old woman asked.

"I want to keep Natsuki safe." I spoke it automatically, almost without thinking.

"Liar."

"You," she shook a bony finger at me, "want a certain HiME naked and whimpering in your bed."

I refused to dignify that with an answer. I wouldn't... Natsuki wouldn't want...

The old fool cackled. "I thought so. You may choose to believe me or not, but if you wear that," she indicated the necklace, "you can get what it is you so desperately want."

I ignored her. I stuffed the unwanted 'gift' into a pocket and stood. "Thank you for your hospitality."

I left then, despite their protests. I wasn't about to stay any longer in that place.

I threw the necklace into the trash. I didn't trust something those old crones had given. They looked like suspicious characters to me. I couldn't figure out what the director was doing there. I resolved to ask her once the school year began.

It remained to be seen whether the First District or whoever they were would stop sending their goons after Natsuki. I decided to still keep an eye on Natsuki until I knew for sure.

I returned home. I was exhausted and fell into bed at once.

My dreams that night were troubling.

I can't remember what exactly I dreamt about but when I woke, the necklace was clutched tightly in my hand.


	4. Chapter 4

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

The school year began and I assumed the role of Student Council president.

I impulsively entered myself as a candidate last year when Natsuki needed classified information about the school. It's a bit embarrassing but I won by a landslide.

Being the president wasn't that heavy a burden. The legwork was done by the Executive Committee, under Haruka. As president I mostly saw to it that all the work was done by the right people.

Delegation. Supervising. Meeting with school officials. It kept me busy.

But what about the necklace, you ask? What happened to the creepy necklace?

Ah yes, I was just getting to that.

I... I am ashamed to admit that I did not destroy it when I had the chance. I don't know why, I don't know what hope I clung to that made me reluctant to destroy it.

Or maybe it influenced me somehow... I prefer to think of it that way.

When I woke with the necklace in my hands, I tried to throw it away again.

It didn't work.

The director was less than forthcoming about the necklace. She insisted it was just a gift, and nothing more. I didn't believe her.

After a few more attempts to get rid of the necklace, I found it behaved when I kept it in my pocket or elsewhere on my clothing.

Even when I tossed it away with the rest of the laundry, it still appeared in the next day's school uniform. At least that was better than waking up with it entwined in my hands.

I still dreamt though. My head would touch the pillow then I would open my eyes and find Natsuki beside me in the bed.

We would talk, or make love, or spend the night just holding each other. But when the sun began to peek above the horizon, Natsuki would vanish, the dream would end, and I would wake.

Sometimes I would wake with a peaceful feeling, having spent the night in her arms.

But more often I would wake feeling empty and hollow inside, where Natsuki had been in my dreams. My bed would seem so lonely. There would be a pain in my chest and an ache in my stomach and I would curse the dreams bitterly.

They gave me a taste of what I would never have, a taste of the forbidden fruit.

On one hand I was ecstatic to experience with Natsuki something I would never know in real life. On the other hand, how can you have something in your dreams and not desire it when you wake?

I wanted it, heaven help me, I wanted it. But I refused to let a hint of it escape my tightly controlled mask. My dreams were a private matter, Natsuki didn't really need to know about them.

I never told her about those dreams, not even after the Festival, not even after we got married.

How would I say it? "You know honey, I used to have these really erotic dreams about you." Then stand back and watch her burst into fits of blushing.

What's funny is that Natsuki might think I was just teasing her.

I _did_ tease her often, but I knew my boundaries. I knew when getting an inch closer meant the difference between her feeling uncomfortable, and her feeling threatened. I knew when I could tease her and when she was in a bad mood.

I just wish I knew myself as well as I knew her.

-o-

The old crones were true to their word. There were no further attempts on Natsuki's life. That was a great relief.

Natsuki already had a lot do deal with, what with all the orphans attacking our school. I was pleased that she made friends with the other HiMEs.

She and the other HiMEs did an excellent job. There _were _a few times I had to step in and destroy a few orphans that escaped their attention but all in all, they did a good job.

I was a bit grateful to the panty stealing orphan though. Most of Natsuki's lingerie collection was destroyed in that incident so I had to help her shop for more. That was delightful.

Aside from those shopping trips, she also spent some time with me in the Student Council room. She'd leave when the rest of the Student Council entered but when it was just me, she'd be in and out of the room.

She freely used my higher security clearance as the president. She was welcome to it. That, at least, was a way I could help her that didn't need to be kept secret.

I thought of telling her, part of the truth at least. Tell her I was also a HiME, that I could fight by her side.

There was one time I'd half made up my mind to tell her. She'd gone to school that day because one of her subjects had a test.

That was her policy, even if her attendance record was spotty, she refused to give her teachers any reason to complain about her written exams.

She wasn't in her classroom. I found her in the Student Council room and when I entered, Natsuki was sitting in my chair, fast asleep.

Her chin was propped up in one hand and the other hand was tightly clenched into a fist.

I stood behind her and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. So tense.

She'd been through a lot, especially these past few months. I let her sleep, she looked like she needed the rest.

"Natsuki."

I held a few strands of her hair loosely in my hands. I let them go and watched them fall.

They fell and caressed her cheek. I wondered. What would it be like, to wake her with a kiss?

I sighed and firmly placed my hands behind my back. I moved to sit on the windowsill and watched her from a distance.

I wondered idly what she would taste like. I shook my head.

I tried to distract myself. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty...

Her hair's messed up now. Maybe I should fix it? She looks so beautiful...

No. No. Naughty Shizuru. I took a deep breath.

Think of something else. Two, four, six...

Don't go there. Vowel substitution bad.

Three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen...

I turned and resolutely kept my eyes fixed on the view outside the window.

Natsuki finally woke up after a while.

"You seemed to be sleeping well."

She blushed. "S-Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"You still have some drool on you." I teased her.

She frantically rubbed her mouth. She looked so cute.

"Just kidding."

"Shizuru!" She gave me an annoyed glare.

"Haven't you been working too hard recently? You must be tired."

"A little."

"Anything else I can help with, aside from lending you that?"

"Thanks, but I'm heading out now. Sorry to bother your work."

"Natsuki, I'm always thinking about you. Don't forget that." There. Part of the truth at least.

"I'm grateful to you. But don't get too close to me. Please."

I sighed as she left. I didn't tell her after all. And after that time I didn't get much of an opportunity to tell her.

After that day, everything became pretty hectic.

But you do not need me to tell you that. You already know most of what happened.

How Nao kidnapped Takumi. How Akira-kun was defeated. How Takumi disappeared. How Mai burned the forest to the ground.

You know most of what happened, you know how Natsuki learned about her mother's betrayal, you know how she was captured by Nao.

She found herself in trouble that she couldn't get herself out from.

It was then that I revealed myself to Natsuki.

It was necessary.

-o-

"Stop right there please. I won't let you hurt Natsuki."

I wasn't frightened, I didn't even feel nervous as I faced Nao.

All I felt was a cold certainty that gripped my heart. It said that _now _was the time to act, _now _was when Natsuki truly needed me.

I felt removed from myself. Not that my senses were dull, mind you. They were on the contrary, extraordinarily sharp.

The light from the full moon seemed to illuminate the night. I could hear the crash of the waves, I could smell the salty sea air.

I could sense the slightest hint of breeze stir Natsuki's hair, I could sense Nao's every motion.

I felt removed from my emotions. I was prepared to fight, to do what was necessary to protect her. To protect Natsuki.

"You're..."

"Yuuki-san, was it?" Yes, I knew her. She was the one who had caused Natsuki and the other HiMEs so much trouble.

"For the President to know me, I've sure become famous."

"You're such a poor girl. You must notice too many details. If you were a little duller, you could have had an easier life. Having been restricted by your surroundings, you were able to live only by paying so much attention. Am I wrong?"

I knew about her past. The president _did _have access to information other students didn't have.

"What is this? You think you're some sort of counselor? Are you saying that you understand the situation here?"

I just smiled. I understood the situation perfectly.

A crazy psycho - regardless of how she got that way - was threatening to harm my Natsuki.

Wouldn't happen. Definitely wouldn't happen.

"Oh, I see."

"You're right, it's not my business to know what kind of past you had. All I want is to protect Natsuki."

I reached out my hand. My naginata materialized.

"I do not forgive those who hurt Natsuki, whoever that may be."

"I see, so the rumor is true. You're the one who needs a counselor. You make me sick."

From her hands came what looked like the threads of a spider web. They wrapped around the blade of my naginata.

Nao looked smug, she seemed so sure of herself. A distant part of me pitied her.

"Kiyohime."

My Child emerged from the ground below us. Maybe it was just my imagination but I thought she'd gotten bigger.

She threw Nao's child off the cliff and into the water. I cut off the part of the cliff where Nao lay to prevent her from coming after us.

At that time, I had no intention of defeating anyone else's Child. I had no intention of being a player of any sort in the mad Festival.

I just wanted to get Natsuki to safety.

I brought her to a house that belonged to one of the students I taught tea brewing to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Heart's Desire **

**by Mara S. S. **

Natsuki was unconscious when I brought her to the house that belonged to one of the students I taught tea brewing to.

I quickly prepared a bed for her, dragging a futon from a closet. I unrolled it and laid it down on the floor. Pillows and quilt followed.

I was going to lift Natsuki and tuck her into bed but after one good look at her, I decided to first find something else for her to wear. Her clothes were dirty and even torn in some places.

I found a kimono that seemed to be her size, and I selected one for myself as well.

Changing her clothes took a bit of maneuvering, and in the end I had to summon Kiyohime for help.

I quickly removed the suit she usually wore when she rides her bike.

My eyes ran over her - checking her for injuries. Fortunately, there were none.

I tried not to stare at the swell of her breasts and did my best to keep my touch impersonal.

I'd seen her like that before. I help her shop for lingerie remember?

But there was just something... different that night.

Maybe it was just that Natsuki was unconscious. She looked so vulnerable and there was something... erotic about her helplessness.

I think I must have dreamed up a situation like this once.

My hands lingered as I pulled it down her legs. They were trembling.

I mentally slapped myself and pulled it down the rest of way with a quick jerk. I think I tore it a bit.

It was difficult to dress an unconscious person in a kimono, but Kiyohime and I managed.

I laid her down in the bed and pulled the quilt over her. I folded her clothes and put them away.

After I finished caring for Natsuki, my attention then turned towards myself. It would not do for her to see me disheveled and agitated.

No, I would be strong and calm and I would be whatever Natsuki needed me to be. That is what I swore to myself.

A shower and a new kimono did wonders. I felt more refreshed and I prepared myself to watch over her for the remainder of the night.

-o-

"Where are we?" That was the first thing Natsuki said when she woke up.

It was still night time, Natsuki hadn't slept that much yet and it worried me.

"It belongs to one of the students I teach tea brewing to. Don't worry, no one knows of this place. We're the only ones here." I reassured her.

Natsuki didn't respond.

She stared up at the ceiling and I thought she had gone back to sleep.

Then her voice cut into the heavy silence. "I didn't care about what would happen to me."

Her voice sounded so broken and my heart ached to hear it so.

Natsuki sat up and hugged her knees. She looked so vulnerable, her defenses were completely down.

"At that time, in my heart I tried to call Duran several times."

She took a deep shuddering breath. Her voice was full of unshed tears.

"But... Duran never responded."

My heart pounded. So. I should have expected that.

No Child. No most important person.

I knew she didn't feel the same way about me. How could I expect to be her most important person?

It still hurt.

I reached my hand into my obi and there it was, as always. The necklace.

I clutched it in my fist.

"Natsuki..."

-o-

_"Tell me, what is your heart's desire?" The hyena like old woman asked. _

_ "I want to keep Natsuki safe." I spoke it automatically, almost without thinking._

-o-

Yes, just that. Just to keep her safe. That is all I will allow myself to hope for. To be Natsuki's invisible protector and admirer.

"Natsuki, I..."

Natsuki's lips curled in a self deprecating smile. "I'm pretty much useless now. I couldn't even protect myself from Nao."

She laughed bitterly.

I could bear my own pain, but somehow I could never bear her being in pain.

"I like you Natsuki. So whatever happens, I'll protect you." I wanted to reassure her, that she would be safe, that I would take care of her.

She looked at me in surprise. "Me too. I like you Shizuru."

I looked down and turned my face to the shadows. That was probably the most cruel thing she could have said, though I knew it was unintentional.

She liked me.

But _only _as a friend, there was always that caveat.

My vision grew blurry.

Damn it. I promised myself all I would allow myself to hope for was her safety.

And yet...

A tear escaped me, then another, and another.

I _loved_ her. She _liked_ me. A wide chasm separated the two, especially since it was Natsuki.

It was painful to be so near, yet so far. To be given her trust, her confidence, to hold sway over her life... Yet be deprived of her love. Not to feel her touch, her concern, her care, her warmth...

I squeezed the necklace tighter.

I didn't hear her move, I just felt her warmth enveloping me as she drew me into her arms.

She pulled my head down to rest on her chest. One hand was around my back, supporting me while the other was stroking my hair.

I cried myself out to her whispered words of comfort.

The necklace was still in my hand, I wrapped it around my wrist to get it out of the way. At that time it seemed more appropriate than putting it away.

I clung to the fabric of her kimono, trying to fix every detail of that moment in my mind. I was certain that it was a once in a lifetime experience.

When my crying slowed down to just a trickle, Natsuki asked me, "Shizuru... Why...?"

I pulled back from her, firmly dragging my reluctant self away from the object of my affections.

My hand reached up to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. The bead of the necklace hung from my wrist and glinted in the moonlight.

Natsuki's worried face looked back at me.

"Because my 'like' and your 'like' are different..."

Natsuki looked at me in surprise, her mouth open and forming a perfect 'O'. She blinked and seemed to look at me in a new light.

-o-

_"Tell me, what is your heart's desire?" The hyena like old woman asked. _

_ "I want to keep Natsuki safe." I spoke it automatically, almost without thinking. _

_"Liar." _

-o-

Natsuki's surprised expression felt like an accusation to me.

I clutched the bead of the necklace in one hand. I stood, intending to leave the room.

Natsuki grabbed the skirt of my kimono.

"Don't go!" She said harshly.

Slowly, I sat back down opposite her. Her face was determined.

Something inside me surrendered to her anger. So she knew now. Very well, I would accept whatever punishment she had to give.

The bead of the necklace dug into my palm and a distant part of me noted it felt hot. That distant part seemed to be locked away somewhere along with my common sense that night.

"Don't go." She said it more gently this time.

She took my hand, the one not wearing the necklace. She held it with both her hands.

She lifted it up to her cheek. Her skin felt so soft. My wrist was exposed to her and several of her fingers lay on it. It was a wonder she could not feel how my pulse speeded up at her touch.

"Don't go." She said it with certainty now.

She drew my hand down, and laid it against her breast, right above where her heart would be. I could feel the heat of her body through the fabric of kimono. My mouth felt dry, and my head was spinning at this unexpected turn of events.

"Please... Do as you like." She blushed.

"Please, Shizuru..." She looked at me pleadingly.

"You don't know what you're asking." I jerked my hand back.

She looked like she'd been slapped, but true to her nature, her response held more anger than fear. "I do know Shizuru! Don't treat me like a child!"

She glared at me. "Trust me Shizuru, I know what I'm asking."

"Shizuru." An iron will backed her every word. "What do you want?"

-o-

_ "I want to keep Natsuki safe." I spoke it automatically, almost without thinking. _

_"Liar." _

-o-

The truth then.

What do I want?

What do I want...

What do I...

"You." The word escaped me, like a confession, a guilty secret.

She seemed pleased by my answer. "I'm **here**." She replied forcefully. "I'm here."

She took my hand again. And she kissed it. Heaven help me, she kissed it.

She kissed the back of my palm. Then she kissed my fingers, every inch of them. She paid close attention to every single digit.

She turned my hand over and kissed my wrist. She kissed it right where my pulse was beating wildly.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.

I swallowed hard.

Natsuki looked so beautiful...

I edged forward to sit closer to her.

"Natsuki?" I whispered breathlessly.

She smiled and inched her face closer to mine.

I kissed her and to my surprise, she kissed me back fiercely. I wrapped my arms around her and drew her close to me.

She made no sound of protest, none that I could hear anyway. I should have paid better attention.

It should have occurred to me that there was no way Natsuki would invite me to do something like that.

It should have occurred to me that there was no way Natsuki could... There was no way Natsuki could love me.

Unless she was forced to.

I wanted to blame the necklace for what happened then _and_ afterwards. I wanted to blame it for clouding my mind and my judgment.

To be honest though, I can't say I didn't want it. I can't say I hadn't dreamed of kissing Natsuki that way and holding her in my arms.

But it wasn't just a kiss that I wanted.

No. I wanted much, much more.


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING: RATING CHANGED TO M. Um, for obvious reasons... Please let me know if you think something isn't appropriate even for that rating.

I hope the, erm, climax - pun not intended - of this story lives up to your expectations. crosses fingers I know it's a bit fast, but... Anyway, I hope it's okay.

I know some kimonos are difficult to remove but I decided to simplify a bit because I really don't know enough about kimonos to make my descriptions realistic.

There's not much more after this because the rest is just a brief retelling of the events in the anime. There will probably be one or at most two more chapters.

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

My hands cupped Natsuki's face as we kissed.

I kissed her like I was starving. Hungry for her touch, for the feel of her against me.

I kissed her like I was near death. Like she was air, water... like she was life itself.

My tongue caressed her lips, explored her mouth, sampled the bounty laid out before me.

I was a pirate, ready to plunder and pillage all that she offered - and even that which she didn't offer.

I ran my hand down her back, scarcely believing I wasn't in a dream.

Something dug into my wrist.

It was the necklace, a feverish part of me noted.

I pulled back from Natsuki a second. A second away from her was almost too painful to bear.

I absent mindedly clasped the necklace about my throat and tucked it into my kimono to get it out of the way. I wasn't thinking straight then.

Damn it. I wasn't even thinking at all. I was thinking of nothing except the lovely HiME I finally had in my arms. Natsuki...

Natsuki was... She was flushed. Her skin had taken on a pinkish tone and she looked back at me, as if dazed. Her lips were moist and half parted as if in invitation.

Can you blame me for not resisting?

I returned to lavishing my attentions upon her.

But it wasn't enough.

_More..._

I seemed to hear a whisper.

Was it my own voice? Or was it... something else? I did not know, but I listened to it nevertheless.

More. I disentangled myself from her mouth. I kissed my way down her cheek, then I reached her throat.

Her arms were wrapped tightly around me now, her hands were grasping my hair. Her breath came raggedly, the same as mine probably was.

I licked her throat. There was a hint of salty sweat, but underneath was the distinct mix of scent and taste that was Natsuki.

I was instantly addicted.

I explored her throat with lips and tongue. Natsuki, Natsuki, Natsuki...

I found her pulse point. Her heart was beating so fast. Experimentally, I bit it.

Not hard, just a little nip, catching nothing more than skin. Her reaction was gratifying.

"Aaah..." Natsuki whimpered weakly.

I bit again, higher this time, but still not hard enough to leave a mark. Natsuki's grip around me tightened.

One of my hands reached out to support the back of her neck. The other roamed her body, desperately feeling her beneath the cloth of the kimono.

It was a heady feeling, having such control over Natsuki. With lips, tongue, and teeth I claimed her neck.

I was a vampire sucking out, not blood, but pleasure from my princess. I was musician, eliciting the most wonderful sounds from Natsuki, playing her like a world renowned virtuoso.

It was wonderful, but it wasn't enough.

_Yes... More..._

Something burned hot against my skin. A distant part of me registered the burning sensation was where the necklace lay nestled between my breasts.

My hands were on her shoulders. I pushed her down onto the futon beside us.

Natsuki's eyes widened in alarm.

"Shizuru! What?! Sto-" She protested weakly, her voice still breathless.

I cut her off with a kiss, lowering her down onto the mattress, and kneeling above her.

I broke the kiss off to look down at her.

She grasped the front of my kimono, her eyes filled with fear and uncertainty. "Shizuru! Stop it! Don't do th-"

The necklace fell free from where I tucked it into the front of my kimono.

Natsuki's eyes followed it. She took several deep breaths.

I didn't suspect any foul play. But whether my mind was clouded by the necklace, or simple by pure lust, I'll never know.

I took advantage of her silence to begin removing her kimono.

When I had stripped Natsuki of it, she looked back at me, her eyes filled... with desire rather than fear.

She smiled at me now, clutching my arms, but making no move to protest.

She whispered my name. "Shizuru..."

Amazing how much trust could be conveyed with just one word. Trust that... I didn't deserve then, and I still don't deserve now.

I ran one finger along the edge where her bra met her skin. I remembered buying it together with her.

She shivered at my touch.

A predatory part of me felt immense satisfaction that I could make her react so.

I reached behind her back and unclasped the bra, leaving her breasts completely exposed to the cool night air.

_Yes! Yes! Yes... More..._

-o-

"Shizuru..." Natsuki's entire body shuddered and I was hard put to support her. Her body was curled into a tight knot.

Then she gasped and lay back down on the mattress.

She was panting heavily. Small shivers still ran up and down her body.

A pleased smile brightened my face. I could bring Natsuki to the height of pleasure, I was able to touch her and hold her in the manner I'd so desperately wanted.

I felt... relaxed. I was like a predator that had finally taken down its prey.

I no longer felt feverish. My mind no longer felt like it was in the grip of something unstoppable.

I no longer felt that compelling need for more of Natsuki.

It was... almost a disappointment. At that time at least.

Natsuki must have felt that change in me, because she gently pushed me off of her and down into the bed.

She knelt on top of me, mimicking my earlier position with her. She bent her head over me and kissed me, slowly.

She moved her lips next to my ear, her breath tickling my skin.

I shivered, feeling earlier sensations wash over me again.

"Shizuru, what do you want?" She drew out my name, pronouncing every syllable carefully, lovingly. Her voice trembled as if pleading for an answer. She sounded so breathless, as if possessed by a desire barely kept in check.

My eyes softened as I looked up at her. I cupped her cheek. "I want Natsuki's love."

She smiled. "You have it."

Then she kissed me again, and no more words were spoken.

-o-

We basked in the afterglow, Natsuki and I. We were stretched out on the mattress, our bodies intertwined, our heads facing each other on the pillow.

My limbs felt languid, my body felt so relaxed. It was like this happy feeling welled up from deep inside me and overflowed. If the world had ended then and there, I would have had no cause for complaints.

Our bodies were sticky, with sweat among other things. If it had been anyone another than Natsuki, it would have been disgusting. As it was, it just felt... right.

"Natsuki was wonderful." I told her, smiling.

"Shizuru was too." She said, echoing my smile.

"You know, I've wanted to tell you for a long time." I confided, a bit shyly. "I... I never expected you would feel the same..."

"I didn't expect it either." Natsuki told me casually. "But then earlier..." She hesitated a moment. "It was like this warm fuzzy sensation ran through me and I realized I feel the same about Shizuru. I never thought-"

My heart skipped a beat. A suspicion began to form in my mind. I sat up.

_It was like this warm fuzzy sensation ran through me and I realized I feel the same about Shizuru. I never thought..._

"Natsuki, get up." I said urgently.

Natsuki stood up. She continued as if I hadn't interrupted her. "-of Shizuru that way before. I feel like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. I wish-"

My throat felt dry.

-o-

"_You," the old crone shook a bony finger at me, "want a certain HiME naked and whimpering in your bed."_

_I refused to dignify that with an answer. I wouldn't... Natsuki wouldn't want..._

-o-

"Natsuki, sit down."

Natsuki sat back down on the mattress. She looked at me questioningly. "Shizuru, what are you-"

"Natsuki, stop talking a moment."

She fell silent obediently.

I couldn't breathe.

-o-

_The old fool cackled. "I thought so. You may choose to believe me or not, but if you wear that," she indicated the necklace, "you can get what it is you so desperately want."_

_I ignored her._

-o-

Is that what the necklace did? I held the necklace up. This...

It dangled innocently in front of me.

Like a robot, my gaze moved to Natsuki.

Natsuki, who looked back at me trustingly.

"Shizuru, is something wrong?" She asked me gently, cupping my cheek.

"What have I done..." I whispered, pulling away from her touch, and looking at her in horror.

"I forced you, I made you..." I looked at her naked form, the inches and inches of skin I had just worshipped with mouth and tongue.

She looked at me with an irritated frown. "You didn't _force _me to do anything. In fact, " she gestured to where our clothes were piled in a heap, " I distinctly recall almost ripping your kimono because I couldn't get it off you fast enough."

"Shizuru," Her hand lifted up as if to touch me again, then she brought it back down to her lap. "I love you. Don't be si-"

"Tell me." I cut her off harshly.

She looked at me in surprise.

"Tell me. Tell me what you're really thinking."

From one second to the next, Natsuki's face underwent a sudden transformation.

Her expression was angry, almost feral in its unbound ferocity.

She hugged herself, covering her breasts as best as she could with her arms. She drew away from me, scuttling backwards on the floor, doing her best to preserve her dignity.

"**I hate you!** I hate you! I hate you! How could you do this to me?!" She sobbed.

"You forced me, you touched me, you defiled me..." She took a shuddering breath, glaring at me accusingly. "I _trusted _you. How could you?!"

I watched her in shock as she cursed me bitterly.

I... made her do this?

I wanted this... And the necklace...

-o-

"_Tell me, what is your heart's desire?" The hyena like old woman asked._

-o-

Natsuki kept screaming at me.

It was a lie then? Natsuki didn't love me, Natsuki didn't feel the same way?

And I made her...

I made her...

Oh God...

My eyes followed her, horrified.

"Go away! Leave me alone! How could you, how could you..."

Finally, I could take it no more.

"Forget." I commanded. 

Her head snapped up and she looked at me uncomprehendingly.

"Natsuki I want you to forget." I got up and grabbed her shoulders, dragging her to her feet.

"You hear me?!?!" I shook her hard. The shadow of fear seemed to enter her eyes.

"Shizuru, let go of me! Don't touch me-"

I cut her off, squeezing her shoulders tightly. "Natsuki, I want you to forget what just happened!"

"Do you understand?!" I gave her a small shove and she stumbled back.

For a moment I thought she was about to strike me.

Then a strange gleam seemed to enter her eyes.

She turned her back to me. She walked across the room to where we'd cast away our clothes.

As I watched unmoving, my hands clenched into fists, tears still falling from my eyes, Natsuki put her clothes on.

She put them on, one by one, without a word.

She straightened the bed, lay down in it, then to all appearances went to sleep.

"Natsuki...?" I took a frightened step towards her, half reaching out a hand.

"Natsuki..." I knelt beside the mattress.

She was asleep. She was asleep so quickly.

How...

Of course.

I laughed bitterly. I told her to forget.

I told her to forget, and she forgot. Like an obedient little slave.

I ripped the necklace from my neck and threw it out into the night.

Natsuki...

How could I do this to you?

To touch you against your will. To fulfill my desires, even if you didn't feel the same...

Then to make you forget about it...

But wouldn't it be more cruel to make you remember? To make you remember how I... How I...

I spent the rest of that night chasing chaotic thoughts around my mind.

I was stupid. I can see now, the depths of my foolishness back then.

I swore once that I would never forgive anyone who hurt Natsuki. I would not forgive Nao. I would not forgive the First District.

That night, I swore I wouldn't forgive even myself.


	7. Chapter 7

Oops, I made a mistake in Chapter 5. I said Shizuru removed Natsuki's skirt, when Natsuki was actually wearing her biker outfit.

And yes, there'll be a sequel. That's partly why this last chapter is so short. This chapter goes back to the scene at the end of the first chapter.

**Heart's Desire**

**by Mara S. S.**

So there it is, the truth that has been plaguing me ever since.

Everyone knows what happened next. Shizuru went ballistic, Shizuru got the crazies. But it was more than madness that controlled me, it was the divine madness, it was love. But with love had come the twins, desire and despair. It was desire that brought about my downfall, and it was despair that completed it.

I killed Yukino's Child, I killed Haruka, I killed those First District crones, and everyone else that was there with them. I killed Nao's Child, I killed Nao's mother, and I would have gladly added myself to the list. Then later Natsuki and I died in each other's arms, and were brought back to life in the same way.

Strangely enough, though love caused the madness it also rescued me. Because with new life came... redemption. Natsuki forgave me. Natsuki forgave me even if I knew I didn't deserve to be forgiven. That was the most wonderful miracle of all.

After the Festival, Natsuki still didn't remember anything. I did my best to act normally and after a while I succeeded. Even years after, Natsuki still showed no sign that she remembered anything of that night. She treated me as she always had.

I was... grateful back then, that I did not have to deal with her hatred. I knew I shouldn't have made her forget, I knew I shouldn't have tried to cover it up. But I was a coward. I didn't want to see Natsuki like that again, her face full of hatred. I didn't want her fury directed against me.

I didn't want Natsuki to remember that she didn't love me.

Natsuki, forgive me...

I didn't want you to remember, especially not when you began opening up to me. Not when we began going out on dates, not when we became engaged, not when we became married.

I put it out of my mind, pretended it never happened. But tonight, I can put it off no longer.

Because this happy life we're living? It could all just be a lie. A great big lie. A lie I created, a lie I forced you into, a lie I've kept silent about until now.

Are you still the same, Natsuki? Are you screaming inside because your body is moving of its own accord? Are you struggling to get out, to get out of the prison I've trapped you in?

Fumi-san said the effects can't have lasted until now. I _want _to believe her. I want to believe you are here in my arms tonight not because I forced you, but because you want to. Or maybe you really do want to be here. But do you want to be here through your own free will or is it that I forced you to love me?

I want to believe you, when you say you love me. The moonlight plays on your skin tonight, illuminating every inch of you. I've memorized every curve, every valley of your body. I know your ticklish spots. I know where exactly I should kiss and nibble to leave you breathless and calling out my name.

I've kept that night a secret for years, my dark and dirty secret, just as I'd kept my love for you a secret when we were young.

My hand hovers above your face then falls to rest on your shoulder. I shake you gently.

But now, I keep wondering and wondering and it's driving me crazy. I carry an ache in my heart, unanswered questions that refuse to be forgotten.

"Natsuki... wake up..." I whisper, summoning you from sleep. Please wake up. Please, my princess.

Did I truly get my heart's desire? Or was I just used by the First District? Have the effects truly worn off? Or am I just living a lie?

"Natsuki... wake up..." You open your eyes groggily. You blink up at me, sleep still heavily on your eyelids.

"Shizuru? What is it..."

I take a deep breath. I need to ask. Now. Or else I'll never get the courage to do so again.

"Natsuki, I need to ask you something..."

Natsuki, **remember**.

Remember that night, remember what I did, remember what can never be forgiven.

Do as you wish. Curse me, hate me, but please... please answer me first...

Because I... I need to know. I need to know how it will end, Natsuki.

I need to know. Natsuki, do you really love me?


End file.
